By Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D.
Your husband cheated on you, or called you “fat” in public. He spent the night out with the boys while you worked overtime. You retaliated by spiking his coffee with horseradish That’s called revenge, and it happens all the time in relationships – but is it such a bad thing? It’s quite natural, according to some experts. But it’s still not the best way to relate with your partner.
The feeling of and need for revenge is an intensely human and natural reaction to stress and negative feedback. It is present in most societies, and people often use it as a “punishment” when they believe someone has overlooked a wrong or transgression. As most couples know, revenge can feel sweet when it’s at the expense of a spouse who’s gone too far in some way, or created animosity in the relationship.
Scientists believe the need for revenge is hereditary, and that when people react to insults, they show increased activity in the left prefrontal cortex of the brain. This is the same area of the brain that is active when people are ready to gratify hunger and some other physical cravings, and that satisfaction may be what makes revenge seem so sweet. It’s not so much about being angry, but being ready to express the anger, and that expression is pleasurable. So, as one scientist notes, sometimes people get angry for the same reason they chew on chocolate, it’s pleasurable, and relieves stress.
Revenge may be natural and satisfying, but it’s not good for healthy relationships. In fact, if insults fly too thick and fast at your house, it can be quite damaging to your relationship, both short-term and long term. Do you understand you may be undermining your relationship? Is that short-term satisfaction really worth hurting your partner’s feelings in the long run? Do you get more satisfaction out of the insults than the apology? Can you apologize? What about when the insults get too bad, and you wish you hadn’t said them? Can you deal with the guilt?
While trading insults and getting sweet revenge on your partner may be satisfying, in the long term, it can severely damage your relationship, and the trust you have in one another. Forgiveness is a much better option, even if it doesn’t seem as satisfying in the moment, because forgiveness allows you to move past the transgression and move on with your relationship with more understanding and compassion for one another.
Even if you’re not out for revenge, your behavior can inadvertently hurt your partner’s feelings. We have created a quick process that helps remove the sting and helps couples rapidly repair the damage. It’s just one of the many resources available to members of our Online Couples Community. You can overcome tempting natural reactions like revenge and form a stronger, happier marriage.
Remember, revenge is sweet for the moment, but for the duration of a relationship, revenge and insults can lead to distrust, anger, and feelings of hopelessness and depression. We chose our partners because we love them, and even when they disappoint us, it’s a good thing to remember that revenge isn’t the only solution. Mutual understanding, respect, and communication is a much better alternative to revenge, and it’s a lot less emotionally draining, too!
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Peter Pearson, Ph.D. and Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As therapists, workshop leaders, authors, speakers, and as a married couple themselves, they are dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. They have been featured on over 80 radio and television programs including “The Today Show” and “CBS Early Morning News.” They have written a free report, “7 Steps to Change Your Partner Now.” Drop by www.TheCouplesInstitute.com for your copy today.
